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Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Country Lite: Spiders and Other Nastiness

Here am I with not much to say.
How can this be! Has the Princess of Verbiage (West Country version) really run out of fuel? Perhaps I should just re-hash an old one. Surely no-one would notice?
Kitty Corrigan will be nodding in self-satisfaction. After all, “The three we chose, after much debate, all have the potential to write a column centred on rural life without being repetitive.”
Well, correction, still not much to say but of a sudden without the words to say it. I rather hope that this trimming of the soul is a temporary thing but some stuffing has been knocked out of the Mad Milla Typing Machine, not to mention my peepers which are strained rotten by all the obsessive computer work over recent months.

In any case, thank goodness Ms Smith in her wisdom – by omission – judged my work
“not to stand out above all the rest” since, “Writing a magazine column is very different from blogging, and the blogs were judged not only on writing style and structure but also on the subject matter and how well it related to CL. The shortlisted blogs are the ones that we felt had the most potential to be turned into a regular column.”
Nice to clear that one up. Thanks, Suse.
Phewee.
Could all have turned quite nasty. I would have dried and died and how deeply unpleasing that would have been.
Kinda kicking myself, though, for not sticking to the one subject, a hen, and talked about it over 5 very short paras.
Or, if wisdom were mine, I could have mentioned a mole catcher: oh, we’d have laughed, how exceeding quaint! or a horse licking a window: how very country, what larks!
Fool!
Victory could have been mine.
Mwah, hah, ha.

You get the point.

So what goes in the day-to-day lives of one of the spurned?

Now that I can admit not giving a flying *uck about chickens, I can at least concentrate with a vaguely happy heart on the true business of the day – gossip if you dare!! (that’s enough, Ed, the silly green duck will be set on me!) – which is my bathroom.
Chaps, it is a triumph. Spanking new white bits and pieces. An enormous splendour of simple oak, being the basin unit. Groovy, but discrete, shiny chrome shower. Travertine marble smooth on the walls, a running line of the juiciest little glass tiles – all seconds, so crazed and millefleury in places and, importantly, cheapish – and good enough to make me Squeal.
True, it’s all taken a month or so, and still the lights aren’t in or the paint splashed on but it is all so so near and I can at least stand in the doorway and sigh big fat happy sighs.

A thumping big spider was trespassing away in the bath this morning, threatened to send the sullied lot in the skip pronto.
Shudder.
Blimey, what a turn I was given when shimmying in for a quick matutinal admiration session to confront the big black beast o’too many legs. That’ll larn me to get me about my chores quicker, rather than mooning around in dazed smuggery. Down to the cereal boxes, girl, do not linger over glass tiles, they will prove your downfall.

Spiders, I just cannot abide, which basically rules out travel in 9/10ths of the world: a teeny tiny Cinderella Carbon Footprint is mine through mimsy.
The darting scuttle, the sullen stand-off stance when they sense the air suddenly saturated with adrenaline (mine). The ones in our house all but wear sunglasses to express their disdain at my fear.
I had thought that September was their month. I imagined that that was the deal and had tried to come to terms with it. Not in this house, though, due to those pesky fields out the back, where an open season is declared from February to November and they saunter about at will. Only the bleakest, most bone-sapping months are spider-free, which is prompting me to relinquish my Seasonal Adjustment Disorder ways in favour of promoting winter as suddenly a Very Good Thing.

Darn it, all twittery and scared again. Should have stuck to moles. Aaah, how sweet! Squeal!

38 comments:

Woozle1967 said...

Oh, Milla! It should have been you!! I LOVE your style.

Bathroom sounds totally gorgeous and you will be in there for hours when it's done (not saying you NEED to be but will WANT to be........)

Spiders? I don't mind them, it's those bloody fluttery daddy long leg things that set me all of a shudder. It's the way they flutter around into your face - aaargh.xx

countrymousie said...

Milla - you should have been amongst the chosen ones - I could go back and say pretty please could she have a fanfare but I fear you may refuse!!
I wish I had just done the one blog - ode to a mouse-or some such crap - it might have frightened the horse if nothing else - I know nothing about you as your profile says Nought!!Zero Zero!! Keep going girl - rabbit - horse - who whoever you are!!

Suffolkmum said...

Good to see you on form as ever Milla - don't let them get you down, you are far too good for CL anyway. You should write a modern day comedy of manners. Bathroom sounds fab. Spiders - bring 'em on - but mice? Have me all of a flutter.

Suffolkmum said...

By the way - you were spot on with your descriptions of the finalists, aren't we mean.

DevonLife said...

Very jealous of the bathroom. What with you and Sally's Chateau salle de bain (is that right?) I feel down right depressed. Totally agree re spiders by the way. Hate the way I have to be brave when they scurry across the room in case I "pass on my ridiculous fears to the children" thanks husband. What about your "crazy terror of frogs and toads" That'll teach him. Good to have you back Miss.

toady said...

Bathroom sound lovely, please post picture. How is the fur baby? Please post another picture. I don't do spiders either, dont post picture. Toady

@themill said...

Cracking form Milla. With you on the spiders. We had bloody Aragog in the house last year. Sure it came from a bag of coconuts.Reeaally scary.Swimming somewhere in the septic tank now. Hope it doesn't mutate

MamaHen said...

Titter, spiders have no fear for me thank goodness. Bathroom sounds fab, can't wait for mine to be done (have just deleted the colour scheme because it sounds hideous and not at all tasteful or sophisticated). Now all we need is pics. Sorry you're still feeling bruised about the whole Thing.

annakarenin said...

Spiders=horrible things. Pictures are easy to post on this site no reducing and saving still etc.. to find it all go wrong. Show us this wonderful edifice then.

Himalayan Blue said...

Bathroom sounds fab. Completely agree with you re spiders. They enter my house, they die .... at arms length coz I don't want to get too close!

muddyboots said...

you got my vote, well if l had been asked of course. what a fab sounding bathroom, travetine tiles so very now.

elizabethm said...

bathroom sounds marvellous. love to see pictures. we have spiders the size of the palm of your hand (damn, shouldnt have told you that, you might never come visiting) but they are entirely tame and sit up and beg on demand. my silly fear (seeDL) is slugs which fortunately dont come into the house.

UN PEU LOUFOQUE said...

One day ONR day I too will have a finished bathroom but no as posh as yours alas!1 I have had an idea for a perfect country blog and will think about it over a bottleofwine.. then you can try and see if you can work out where you ahve met it before.
psrate you higher than any jumped up old nag any day ...

PreseliMags said...

Highly jealous of fab bathroom!! Lucky you. I agree totally on spiders, horrid, hairy things. How dare it sully the new bath. I will also join the clamour for a pic (but NOT of the spider!) Mags.

Blossomcottage said...

Greaat form Milla and I noticed that you had been making cushions for the benchs on the village green at Purplecoombe, I sent a reply to Andrew O'Hanagan in the Telegraph today re his article be interestin to see if I get a reply. Blossom

Blossomcottage said...

Greaat form Milla and I noticed that you had been making cushions for the benchs on the village green at Purplecoombe, I sent a reply to Andrew O'Hanagan in the Telegraph today re his article be interestin to see if I get a reply. Blossom

Blossomcottage said...

Ah ha now I know why I didn't win I have once agin started to repeat myself.

RuthF said...

Hello me dear - have also only just managed to pick myself up, dust myself off etc. Sorry think you're wrong with the hen though - having perused the 'Chosen' it is Daffodils what do it. XX

CAMILLA said...

Ah, that's more like it. Dear girl, as usual, wonderful blog. Agree with Countrymousie, you should have been amongst the chosen ones. Dont like the spidery things, but most of all not looking forward to May - remember on night shifts at the hospital, the dreaded MAY BUGS - they are like something out of a horror movie, they used to fly in through the windows, hard-backed shells, quite large, and if they fell on you, would attach themselves like glue! eek! terrible beasties. Dont know anything about Hens, or Mr Moles, so that leaves me not to blog about them.Could have done a blog about dogs poohing though. Your bathroom sounds wonderful, now all you need to do, is get in there, immerse yourself in all those bathbomb bubbles, and enjoy your fanfare dear Milla. Hope Lol is doing alright. Camilla.xxx

Pondside said...

Loved the blog, envious of the bathroom and hate the spiders! We have Wolf Spiders and (drum roll)...Black Widows. I am Spider Bait. If there is a spider in the house it will find me and bite me. Honestly - if a spider and I are in the same room the arachnid will change direction in order to follow me (been scientifically proven under strictest conditions). Must be the HRT scent of my blooooood!

Pipany said...

Good to see you back Milla, though can't agree with you on hens I'm afraid. Bathroom sounds lovely - ours is still nowhere near finished, but at least it is finally clean!!! Sorry the CL thing still rankles - get published and then tell 'em to get stuffed (makes it sound sooo easy) xx

Her on the Hill said...

You mean you didn't go for the Avocado suite..??
---
But it wasn't hens that were de rigeur, it was MOLES. Did you happen to note that the two highly structured, non-repetitive individuals who stood head and shoulders above everyone else were no more than sneaky exam-cheating copycats? They write almost IDENTICALLY about the effects of a sonic mole trap...go have a look if you've missed that (but sure you haven't). God, what's that awful stench of fish...?

Chin up chuck, we're all here now. You'll go on to bigger and better.

xx

Her on the Hill said...

Ps, ok with mice. HATE insects. Too many hairy legs and articulated parts.

UN PEU LOUFOQUE said...

Did you see blossoms link for an authors thingwhatsit (having a very dyslexic day can't think of right word!!) Sadly have french keyboard so most things not where you'd think they are but I shall keep looking.. I was going to say percaveer but know I am never going to get that one right today!!

Tattie Weasle said...

Aha found you - please post the spiders over here if you can't stand them - I have been on a course of aversion therapy in the first few months here whereby you go in to a room and find that you are in fact in a spider den and what you thought was a dirty carpet is in fact covered with spiders - now unless they launch themselves on my glasses I'm OK. (PS They also keep my MIL away...they have their uses....)

Exmoorjane said...

Lordy lordy, a zillion comments - I'm late to the party. You know my feelings on the S word...... and will echo pleas for pics - dog, bathroom.....just nothing eight-legged.....jxxx

Faith said...

Milla, you are brill as ever. God how the whole CL things still winds me up. Even I could have written one little gem and sent it in. Oh well..... spiders don't talk about them. I get more and more petrified as I get older. I once attacked one with hairspray and it took ages to die and I felt sick by the end.

Inthemud said...

Who wants to read about Hens any way? Not all the time, far rather read about real life and real peopel , things you do so well. Keep it up just for us! Too good for them.

lixtroll said...

Matron has just popped in to tell you not to worry, the chat room has gone down temporarily owing to an error on Google which is preventing us cleaning out the fosses to make room for new posts!

You can still blog away merrily here on your own page, and to leave comments on all the others.

RuthF said...

Know what you mean about not being able to blog quite so easily. i think i am picking up again now but don't feel as confident as i did. Why?!!

lixtroll said...

Matron is visiting again with an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

The chat-room is experiencing problems with overloading which we think is causing it to be marked as SPAM, which is in effect locking us all out :-

So in the mean time: each day please look out for the post called ANNOUNCE NEW BLOGS HERE and put your announcements in as comments on that post.

This will still leave space for one personal post per person which we can all comment on.

This is purely a temporary measure, we are keen to get the chatroom back to the weird and wonderful way it was going before - we are looking into various options at the moment (by the way, have you noticed that option is an anagram of potion) - WesterWitch! put down that cauldron!

Posie Rosie said...

good to catch up, still cannot get over CLs decision, their loss, bathroom sounds lovely, see even the spiders approve!! Still on the chicks and pigs in my blogs, well there isn't a lot else in the back of beyond.

KittyB said...

Hello, catching up after jaunt and find a blog from you at last! Hurrah! The bathroom sounds just so lovely. In fact, was in a posh restaurant loo in London with travertine tiles on the wall and thought - oh, look, like Milla's. How sad. You lot have inflitrated my brain big time.

countrymousie said...

Missing your blogs - hope all is well - keep coming back to check your house to see if there is a new blog. xx

CAMILLA said...

Hope you are alright dear Milla. I have just popped in to check and see if you are there. Missing you, you are probably in that lovely bath of yours, immersed in all those bubbles. Camilla.xxx

@themill said...

No idea what the word verification thing is as I have no restrictions on comments.
And has Princess Furry paws run off with your blogs?

Suffolkmum said...

Milla please keep blogging we miss you, no pressure of course! Thanks for your message on mine; I do have lots of lovely comments, it's just that I transferred my archive of CL blogs over yesterday, and of course my latest purplecoo ones went to the back of the pile. So I copied and pasted them so they'd be in the right order, but of course lost all the comments. Got the order right though, and I am very anal about these things.

IrishEyes said...

Milla, don't you DARE even contemplate giving up blogging, if you do, I wil come over and kidnap puppy...whats that I hear you say? You're fed up of puppy poo and I can have him? No, sorry Feline Fatale wouldn't wear it...so, wil threaten you with sending over the Talking Tail if you stop blogging. You're a winner girl! S*****'s, euuugh! Hens, useful birdy's, bathroom, now, is my face an Irish green or a jealous green.