I'm sure you wouldn't, but:

Protected by Copyscape Unique Content Check

Monday, 30 April 2007

The War of the Pansies

Lolly, aka Princess Furry Trousers, loves pansies. Shame is, so do I. And it was my digging, my fivers.
She stalks them, I stalk her.
This inappropriate admiration for botany and a nasty penchant for half five in the morning, however, is about as bad as it gets, and she is SO pretty and jolly that she is almost forgivable.

Friday evening found us perched in a small sitting room with a puppy trainer. Our mismatched seats, culled from a Dentist’s waiting room, arrayed around a disconcertingly large rubber mat. Most tempted to test its efficacy myself. A tenner for more than an hour of efficient “one-to-one” and away we went with effective little hand motions, a dog keen to Sit and Off and, oh, something else – I should have been born blonde – and our own paws stinking of cheap mangled sausage.

We then went to pick up T10 from his chum C9. We stood all adult with wine on the front garden to their pretty cottage facing the church in their beautiful village trilling in that parenty way, and Lolly crapped on the perfectly manicured lawn belonging to Mrs Northern Posh.
Exquisite timing.
Most very wrong grass.
I flapped around keen to show how well I remembered the vileness of other people’s dogs – not one to be Love Me Love My Dog, how tiresome is that? – and squatted dismally amateur with my green plastic bag and Mrs NP’s hose at which point her littlest, the dear sweet B4, scuttled out all sunshiny squeals and random trotting and armed with an inevitable homing instinct for the faeces…
Mrs NP went into screech freefall and I had a misguided moment involving B4, Mrs NP and the manic hose, but we were well tucked into our pinot grigio by then, which we managed to grip that necessary bit tighter while separating child / dog / poo / water, so I hope that we can say that a) my how we laughed and b) I think we got away with it…

Buoyed by her prowess in the poo department, an ear cocked for further instructions emanating from Asbo Jack way south in Exmoor, Lolly then pranced around with unpleasant eagerness in Mrs NP’s immaculately maintained flowerbeds.
Mrs NP twitched, and who can blame her, with that intensity of scrutiny being displayed by one so small and busy and wanton?
My yanking on the pretty pink’n’daisy collar’n’lead threatened to compromise the sloshing meniscus of my wine so I had to take ungainly gulps of that, so as not to waste a drop, while tottering inelegantly in pursuit of, what Countrymousie would doubtless call, my wheaten terrorist. While still managing to chat about schools. As you do.

A relief to get home even if that does signal cooking time and an interest to be shown – mine – in supper while Lolly dipped in and out of the flowerbeds here, rummaging and foraging and gathering pretty petals on her teddybear fur.
A second bucket of wine and it was hard to care either way.

The nights are still less than ideal, made vaguely bearable only by being able to call it summer.
I am re-connected to times of day I do not like.
2 in the morning while still at a party: tick.
2 in the morning to marry the sound to the likely scenario – Lolly dancing on her crate scrabbling at the door and yapping, and then stagger downstairs to deal with it / endeavour to ignore to show that this sort of behaviour is not to be tolerated: not tick.

We take it in turns, Mr C and I, and it is a matter of debate whether we will make our imminent 17th wedding anniversary.
(17 years, though, blimey, what an age is that. Seems like only yesterday etc.)

What actually seems like supper time is now, yet not even lunchtime, since Princess Wildebeest was up and on the go before 5 this morning, bouncing on her crate, eating the door.
You read that right. 4 something intolerable.
And straight out to nuzzle into the pansies, breathing in pleasurable wafts of a junkie’s fix.
Off to slaughter a puppy – furry pair of gloves anyone?? – she’s pushed that envelope too far today, and I did merely say that she was “almost forgivable.”

20 comments:

Suffolkmum said...

Came by the proper route to comment! Lolly does sound like a sweetheart, all bouncy and energetic, depite the social faux-pas's, but you're putting me off puppies, don't think I can face those rude awakenings any more.

ChrisH said...

I owe you a big thank you - it's really put me off getting a puppy too. Assuming Tom ever agreed, that is. Clearing up poo? Awake all hours? Not just yet!

Inthemud said...

Oh dear poopr you! puppy and flowers gardens just don't go to gether! She'll learn though, glad to see she is taking you to training classes..... Oh how I used to hate thoses classes, Beth was always the naughty one who went the wrong way and tried to nip the hide legs of the pup in front, she'd behave reasonaably well during calss but come the end it was like "schools out" and she's pull so hard to get out of the door and after the other pups to play, I 'd get pulled over, we gave up after 2 terms! Good Luck!! Great to see you blogging again.

Pipany said...

Oh why do they always wreck the garden! The house is bad enough, but the garden, for heaven's sake! How did you get the pansies to grow in the first place, Milla? Mine always start well then slide into senility in a Miss Haversham fashion. Actually, I quite like Miss Haversham (rambling again, Pipany). What about slipping Lolly a little something in her supper to help with night-time awakenings? Hang on, it might work for Isabella too!!!! xx

UN PEU LOUFOQUE said...

Oh I do love your mistimed moments!! Good to see you back again I kept going back to read the spider blog to see if there was anything new!!

CAMILLA said...

Why do all puppy dogs want to dig up the gardens! The little minx,and eating the Pansies too. It will get better dear Milla, it is just a question of time. "Help" I can hear you say,"I want it now"!
I believe your Wedding Anniversary is this month Milla - 17 years, I have just celebrated my 37th. Wish I had an elastic band to hitch my face up, where has the time gone I ask myself. Glad to see you back again Milla. I have left a message for Westerwitch, re Blogging, aghaghagh! Camilla.xxx

DevonLife said...

GOsh so much here... poo, posh people's lawns, poor pansies and 17 year's of wedded bliss! And you look no more than a puppy yourself, you child bride you.

Ok, you asked for it... the porn was called Perfect Life by Raffaella Barker. Not great though, the sauce were the only highlights of a book which seemed to set out to portray misery and unhappiness but not in a good way - if you know what I mean. In a way which made you actually not like any of them. So quite glad to pass that one on - with pink post-its marking the pages to thumb of course.

Of course you may find that saliciousness tame, like Bella! or Best!

@themill said...

Cracking form Milla.

elizabethm said...

yes, you're back! love the wine/dog/garden/small child.

Faith said...

Reminded me of the time my M in law was only my M in law to be and Yorkie pooed on her carpet and I had just whisked out a tissue to pick it up and thinking no-one had noticed as I was alone in the room and then hub3's little nephew came running in, saw and ran out to tell everyone 'THAT LITTLE DOGGIE POOED ON THE CARPET!' and carpet is worse than grass!

Woozle1967 said...

Oh dear Milla! Is she a JRT in disguise? Only advice I can give (like you really want it, ha ha) is stick with the socialising bit. We caved in to embarrassment with Alfie and didn't take him to enough places with us, and now he's a fully grown 7 yr old bad JRT he has absolutely NO manners and doesn't know how to behave when he's out. The new girls, however, are darlings we can take anywhere. We're hoping they will rub off on his Lordship!!xx

countrymousie said...

Poo on the lawn - oh dearie me.
I may stick to my pussies after all. I do sometimes have puppy envy, but not after your blog.
Great to have you blogging again with gusto!
Great words.

LittleBrownDog said...

Ooh, she sounds a lovely, cheeky pup - I want another! (However H has firmly said no. And Brown Dog squashed all my emergent onions today, so perphas not yet...)
They do get easier, though (so I'm told.)

JacquiMcR said...

Hi Milla, well I made it over at last. Great to catch up with your goings on. My kids are still asking for a puppy but I haven't yet given in (bad mother!). Maybe one day. Take care - Jacqui

Pondside said...

Let's hear it for adopting someone else's already-trained dog! I can just picture the scene in the front garden!

Posie Rosie said...

Lolly sounds wonderful, I am so enjoying hearing your puppy 'bliss' makes having Mist pup in the garden seem not too bad, I can see the funny side as she chews up the trampoline pads, drags the happy farmer's wellies over the lawn etc etc! Kno what you mean about kids and dog poo....euck!!

The Country Craft Angel said...

Good to see you blogging again-have missed you.

I really wanted a puppy but I think Simba is best left to his old age in peace and dignity.

warm wishes
xx

PS-warning-Simba is now 8 and STILL wrecks the garden!!

PPS-Have you tried a water gun or a loud clap that scares her whenever she goes somewhere you don't want her too? !!

WesterWitch said...

Oh Milla - I am trying so hard not to say . could have told you - but I could have told you . . drat said it, sorry. Don't go making the mistake - of another dog for dog number one to play with would help. Three dogs later and it nearly cost me my marriage. Back to two dogs and I am happily married still and everyone happy. My JR - 9yrs still digs up the lawn. And sheep dog 6yrs - was sick on the decking and in the hall yesterday. NO it never ends but neither does the fun!

Eden said...

lovely to read your blog again Milla, hilarious as ever, and doing me the huge huge favour of putting me off puppy acquisition for a little longer. Lolly sounds just heavenly, but fraid Houdini is still too wild to be able to cope with a second wildebeast in the house. so loved the pino Grigio with mrs NP. Eden.

CAMILLA said...

Hello Milla (our names),
Just popped in to see if you are alright, do hope so.
Camilla.xx