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Thursday, 10 April 2008

Death Comes A Knockin', aka The 7 Things

The 7 things, being mainly about death. Late to my tagging duties as per.

Last year it was Eight Interesting (or otherwise) Things, in grim, recession-bound 2008, we're down to Seven.
Bit of a struggle, frankly, to come up with some more, and fear that of all the things to dwell on, this lot seems mostly regarding blood.

1. I saw a UFO when I was 16. In Spain. It was officially recognised as such the next day in France. So it must be true. For the curious, it was an inverted pink triangle high high in the sky at about 6 in the evening against a vivid blue sky. Oh yes.

2. I have been involved in numerous road accidents, starting at four with being knocked over by a motorcycle and needing stitches in my head.
I sold my moped following the 7th near miss with that particular beast, thinking I’d pushed my luck.
But, even now, I’m still rubbish with roads although, touch wood, I have never caused an accident.
I must be lucky, though, because I was born with a hole in my heart. No chest ripping surgery, just popped in an incubator for a few weeks and right as rain thereafter. Nearly endured death by earring too. On having my ears pierced I fainted three times which was just the start of a short-lived relationships with lobal jewellery. I developed some form of septicaemia and that was nearly that.

3. I once had to operate the Spitting Images eyes of the Princess Fergie puppet. Big horribly rubbery thing and hard work or what.

4. I escaped by the skin of my teeth being dragged into some vile porn film once. Shudder. I blogged about it for the old CL competition thing. The blog had been in fond memory of a dear friend who, er, died. We escaped together through a bathroom window and ran through a coal black South London night. Happy days.

5. I have had millions of miscarriages. Don’t be silly, Milla, learn to count. At least 7 or 8. Vile, painful. Black, dark days. I may blog about the last one, given the mood I’m in, one of these fine days.

6. I worked, as a student, running the bar in private parties at let’s call it a Very Important Hotel in London. Very Hotel Babylon. Was Utterly Shocked when the other bar runners barged in and out of all the rooms the moment the tipsy “clients” waddled off downstairs to scoff in the hall, before re-emerging, even more pissed, to finish what they started. My, ahem, colleagues just started grabbing and tipping away bottle after bottle after bottle of gin, scotch, vodka. We were paid commission, you see, according to what the clients consumed – whether by mouth or down the plug hole. And we were subject to random searches on the way out, rendering theft dodgy. Have to say I never participated. Nor was I searched. Honest, me. And that’s true. Although there was nothing doing but to scoop my share of the commission. Hush money maybe.

7. On my way to one of these work dos, I saw a man killed. He was an American trying to cross Park Lane. Silly man. He looked left instead of right and was tossed in the air by a thundering coach. Like the proverbial rag doll he was until he landed with his knees bent back the wrong way, and his specs 100 yards down the road and his shoes in the central reservation.
I’d seen another killed the minute I turned up in Florence, another man sent flying. The blood from that one you would not believe. It haunts me still. And the sense of my face peering through the railings and my hands gripping at the iron. But I’ve had a soft spot for Jessica from Murder She Wrote ever since. Random deaths DO happen. Just be very afraid when you’re around me …

As usual, am sure I’m the last to do this little one.

29 comments:

Edward said...

I'm first! Dear, honest Milla, I hadn't known (or remembered) the Spitting Image thing. Good blog as usual, but you'll have to warn your readers that if you blog about the miscarriages, especially the last one, it will be a guffaw-free day. And you don't really do guffaw-free....

WesterWitch/Headmistress said...

Eeeeek I'm second - ok so how was it that you got to operate the puppet.

I remember the near miss porn blog . . . jaw dropper that one.

Berlimey to see one person die is bad enough - then again worse for them I suppose.

Sorry to hear of the miscarriages - had two myself - but very early one . . .

How's the mood today . . .revs chainsaw . . .

Pipany said...

Hello Milla. I remember the porn blog (sounds good doesn't it?). I have been sharing in your bad mood today though am now feeling a bit of a fraud as I think it has left me!

So sorry to hear of the miscarriags - your choice whether to blog about them or not, but thinking of you either way xx

nuttycow said...

Am I the only one who doesn't remember the porn blog? I feel left out now.

*blinks*

Here's some happy cheery bunnies to help you on your way. I don't like people being sad. Look! Look at their wrinkled noses.

PS On another random point, have you ever seen that advert for a mortgage or somesuch with the squirrel? I burst out laughing everytime I watch it, just because of the way his nose moves when he's flying :D

PPS - blog has moved to www.parlezvousmoo.com but it won't let me sign in with that :(

Sally's Chateau said...

Wonder if it was the same UFO ? I know, I know, dare one admit to it ?

Preseli Mags said...

Yikes, that's quite a scary list!

I don't remember the porn blog either. (But I do remember the Famous Five one which says what about me exactly?)

Having mentioned it, of course, you're now obliged to re-print it so we can see what we missed/blocked out from memory owing to trauma/enjoyed*.

I loved the bit about Fergie's eyes, what a job that must have been! As I remember she did a lots of eye-rolling cross-eyed stuff.

Sorry to hear about all the miscarriages. It must have been a tough time.

xxPM

*delete as applicable.

snailbeachshepherdess said...

Missed the porn blog....blast that! Cerikey Milla I spent years working for St Johns Ambulane and never saw that much blood.....

Milla said...

the porn blog (in which there was actually no porn at all) was chucked out in desperation in the CL days when, increasingly, one felt duty bound to come up with a blog a day ... the pressure.

Potty Mummy said...

Uummm - that first one, Milla. Had you been smoking anything - interesting - that evening? Just wondering, you understand...

lampworkbeader said...

Milla, perhaps you have been a bit too honest for MY own good. That last image will haunt me now.

Frances said...

Hello Milla,

Your seven things are a pretty dramatic collection. I just bet that some of your glorious wit and lite-ness may have some origins among those seven.

On a far less momentous scale, I am so happy to report that I survived yet another round of company managers meetings. Truly tough going during some sessions, since I do not have a poker-player's facial control, particularly when tired or bored.

But a lovely experience came this morning when I drew open the curtains of the hotel room to take a peek at the surrounding little forest just beyond the very manicured lawn (with carefully arranged daffodil beds) and saw the deer. You all may see them all the time, but I really cannot remember the last time that I saw even one deer.

Those graceful animals were silhouetted against the mist at the forest's edge, and that image (no spitting involved) gave me something to think of when the meeting agenda got tough.

xo

Faith said...

Bit lost for words. I'm sorry about all your miscarriages - extremely emotionally and physically painful for you.

I too missed the porn blog, never mind.

Seeing the deaths was awful. Have just remembered I saw a child knocked down and trapped under a car once, but he didnt die, thankfully.

the mother of this lot said...

Blimey, I'm keeping out of your way. You're like the Grim Reaper.

And you've reminded me, I've got this 7 things list to do. I was going to put stuff like 'I can't swim', which seems rather inadequate now....

ChrisH said...

That's it - I'm definitely not coming near you the way I feel today (like death warmed up) - it'll be curtains if I do.

ChrisH said...

Ps Indulge us and do the porn blog again - I missed it too (doesn't sound very Green Duck - and I just about avoided making a rude rhyming joke there - no wonder you didn't win!).

Fennie said...

Help, let me out! I feel trapped in a dangerous place here. Ouch,ouch and thrice ouch - both for you and others. Death does come a knockin' but we pretend it doesn't, or if it comes it should come nicely, not with knees bent the wrong way. I saw a girl killed in a parachute-didn't-open fall once and that was bad enough, far enough away to see any detail.

It does look as if you'll be retailing the porn blog by popular request. You'd have thought we'd all have been more..er refined, but you know what they say ' sex sells!' So go for it. Let's have the Milla's tale.

KAREN said...

What a great mix. Love the Spitting Image...er, image.

LOTS of blood though. I've been most fortunate in that department up to now. Which makes me a little scared...

Mean Mom said...

Well, now my 7 things look totally frivolous and I realise what a boring life I've had! I'm glad I hadn't read yours, before I did mine!

Thanks for calling in at my place. Come to my virtual party if you are crazy enough!

Mean Mom said...

Re your previous post, I think your neighbours must be related to ours. They are now 70 plus and seem to get even neater and tidier as they get older. We share a drive and last year they discovered a fine crack in it!!! I have prepared a blog about the whole saga, but have to pluck up courage to publish it. The husband is a bit of a computer nerd and has friends with the same interests. It could be a small world, and I could be unlucky enough to be discovered!

Sass E-mum said...

Thank you for the wine recommendation. Now I've read this blog I can understand why you might know about the grog. It's a scary list.

Expatmum said...

Flamin' Nora - I can't remember (2 glasses of Pinot in Florida - sorry) whether I've had the "7" tag, but I'm not writing one now. I don't think anyone could compete. No wonder your blog is so colourful.

Carolyn said...

Eeeek. I'm afraid to cross the street now...

UN PEU LOUFOQUE said...

Well thank you for sharing and please do give sufficient notice if you plan to visit..I will endeavour to be out! Seen far to much of death myself to want to have you bring more...I think with your track record you might go into business as a hired assassin..no need to do anything just turn up and loiter in close vicinity of your victim!! Dear you have missed your calling.

elizabethm said...

aargh and ouch and oh no. My sister had numerous miscarriages. Very hard. I am sorry you had to go through that.
Scary and moving list.

Maggie May said...

Sorry about the miscarriages, how awful.
All the other stuff! Do you attract it or what? That's so weird!

CAMILLA said...

Milla honey, my namesake, we MUST be twins as you say. I have been in a road accident, and when I was in London many moons ago now, I popped into Selfridges in Oxford Street, fancied having my ears pierced. I fainted twice, and I have a metal jewellery allergy, has to be 100 per cent solid silver or gold.

My cousin was born with hole in heart, she too was put in incubator, she is now 45 years of age and has had no problems throughout her life since, the hole closed up on it's own.

Sorry to hear that you have had miscarriages Milla, no wonder they were dark days, that is something truly tough to go through.

Camilla.xxx

Lane said...

Cripes those are full on.
I'd have to rummage to find the porn blog. Please feel free to repost:-)

Witnessing road accidents is the pits. A van in front of me hit what I was convinced was a 'guy' (it was guy fawkes night) because it flew so high up in the air . Yes, it haunts you:-(

DJ Kirkby said...

You have had SUCH and interesting life...do tell more please, actually expand on the facts in this post to start with...write a memoir, I'd buy it for one and I am sure many others would too.

Exmoorjane said...

Well well, ploody well.....you're right, I'm going to be VERY careful when I'm around you...
I dunno, I reckon one day you should try guffaw-free. Blog as catharsis and all. It is the sure-fire way of getting rid of readers but by heck it feels sooooo good. Add a large glass of gin, put on the Smiths and just let it all go....
Knowing you, it will be beyond fabulous anyhow...even while dealing with the worst that life can throw.