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Wednesday, 21 May 2008

the dog it was that died … oh, cruel cruel dream, I wake up in the shower, brought to by an importunate bark

The joke goes something like this.
How do you tell which loves you more, your dog or your wife?
Lock both in the boot together, and leave. Whichever is pleased to see you after an hour, well, there’s your answer.
Even to contemplate, I grip my chair.

You wouldn’t have thought there was another turd in her, so frequently does she squat and leave her odorous offerings. I feel undressed without a pocketful of green slippery poo bags awaiting their fill. But yes, in the brief hour between E exiting south: work, and me returning cross from a school trip, the beast had laid two tremblingly large turds of dubious consistency and a nasty sprawl of wee, the lot making the carpet outside the kitchen very much a no-go area requiring scene of crime tape. Penalty no doubt for inflicting dog prison on Lolly or, more likely, for bringing her home from it. Strange things have happened to her tum meanwhile.

I tackled the turds with long-stretched arm. Dollops which sagged and oozed and wept into loo paper which sogged and collapsed into a stinky mash. I gave myself wrinkles wincing.
Have I mentioned that dogs are vile?
Not nearly often enough.

Lolly herself lolled careless in her basket, sprawled like a post-coital floozy too idle to tug her dressing gown across her bits. She stumbled to, yawning. Very feckless teenager deigning to commit to breakfast at noon. She stretched her paws and gave a bored squeak while I gagged, and sprayed Oust and Febreze and I-Hate-Pets’R’Us, with generous abandon and little care for the ozone layer. Faecal particulate matter swamped the air, storming the nostrils. It begged for reviving handkerchiefs to be pressed to the snout. I needed a chaise longue on which to collapse and see out my recovery.

Next port of call for the frowsty wolf was the water bowl from which she supped greedily, replenishing her withered bladder. Her spongy beard steeped in slurpy leavings, she padded in to spray it, with the kind of extravagant shakes dog favour, all over the kitchen floor. Sending me scurrying for one of several mops which cause our utility room to be so dangerous.
God, but she’s a full-time job, a one-dog employment opportunity, salary in the negative, perks few.

I put her out with ill grace, my foot may have made sidling contact with her beamy behind. Accidents happen. She needed rapid re-acquaintance with her real lavatory, the great outdoors, although her interest in this swift tutorial was limited.
From the stair, I could hear her impatient, desperate bashing at the door, claws clattering on the glass, outraged to be left outside. She would be high on her hind paws, assaulting the door like a bear beneath the lash, baying in a booming bark too big for her.
In a 1950s film there would be the chance that a great big eagle might fly by and snatch her to its teetering eyrie but no such luck here.
I trudged back downstairs to let the foul hound in.

She stood stock still, eyeing me in an offhand manner, affecting blank surprise that I might think that she might want to totter in.
Hello? you barked, madam.
Then she took her time about swaggering inside, swinging her hips louchely while licking her chops with insouciance before lurching back to her basket, seemingly exhausted.
My don’t the heart just break? A dog’s work, it’s never done.
Man’s best friend?
Hmmm. Don’t think so. Not in this house.

The school trip had been to a Large Store, previously the sort of place I am fully prepared to linger, wafting up and down wide aisles like the Stepford Wife I aspire to be.
Until now.
Every year each class is invited here to make something: a salad, a pizza, a cheesecake and to undertake some sort of item-spotting task within the store. This year a dragon had popped on an apron to do the recipe demonstration, best friends to Robert Helpmann’s child catcher. Her hair – it would not dare – was unmovable, her chin a knee, and her laser stare, scary with disdain, bore down on the children. “Step away from the table … don’t touch … don’t talk … it’s rude to talk when an adult is talking … keep back … stop talking … keep your hands off … be quiet …” on and on and bloody on. It was quite shocking how bossy and spoil-happy she was; and in the rare moments she wasn’t issuing orders – say to draw deep sour breaths – one of her three minions was there to carry on the good work, hissing, “it’s rude to talk when an adult is talking!” Cartoon snakes the lot of them, smacking the air with their wooden spoons, ridiculous red faces beneath hygiene caps. Pursed lips.
God knows I can’t stand an impertinent child and would put myself high up on the Stressy List but I was as a laid-back hippy, dopey with moon dust compared to this lot who seemed unable to accept that their tiny charges were only 8 and 9 and, rightly so, a tiny bit excitable about wielding a whip. Aren’t we all.
It made me cross.

Back home, scowling at the dog, I stood in the largest, most gorgeous kitchen in Europe knowing that unpleasant tasks faced me:

That my immediate future was grim.
The carpet in need of another chemical assault if our olfactory systems were not to be corrupted. Rock hard soil to be negotiated with outside in the name of weed clearance.
Dull things belonging to other people to tidy.

The dog shuffled over, as near to hang-dog as she could bear to muster, laying slow, precise paws, almost balletic, on the temporarily clean floor, while still rife with low cunning, for farts seep from her behind. Smelling moistly, like a pub pie.
Revenge is flatulence, best issued warm.
Her meaty brothy breath clouds the air. She barged her head into my leg. Gee, thanks. I fiddled kindly with her ear. Her tail swishes. Friends again. Sort of.


Frances said...


With which shall I begin my praise ... the words or the photos?

Oh, let me begin with the words. This post has got so many unexpected, yet perfectly placed, combinations of words. They just keep tumbling towards the reader, giving great pleasure. (And of course, it is your great skill that lets us think that the ease of these sentences just magically arose from your keyboard.)

The pictures of the beloved misbehaving Lolly and of the kitchen of anyone's dreams are delightful. What a surprise to find pictures!

Thank you, Milla, for again treating us to your great talent.


ChrisH said...

Seems to me as if there are far too many bottles on wine in the rack of yours. I suggest starting at the top and working down until you stop caring about the Lolly turds. Actually, it's quite putting me off my Get a Dog campaign. Can you get any self-cleaning models?

Elizabethd said...

Sorry Milla, I really dont enjoy dogs! But yours, I have to say, is a very pretty one!

Edward said...

Dear girl, you really do put a fellow off his lunch. Well, not you, obviously, but that cr*aphound. Still, she looks pretty enough in the first picture (the second, I recall, shows her muzzle after digging. Nice.)

Pipany said...

Oh my God, we have wine here at last - wayhay the wine free zone endeth!!!!!! Sorry Milla but the sight of your wine rack made me feel all at one with the world!

Congrats on the photo success and how on earth do you cope with the repeated doo-poo situation? Actually, I know as I own an old cat who regularly poos in the house to my utter and complete disgust. Thinking of you in sypmpathy xxxxxxx

elizabethm said...

Two millablogs in quick succession - what a treat. I read your blogs on lolly whenever I feel the urge to get a dog rising up strong. At the same time I try to make sure Ian hasn't noticed them in case he reads them and any chance is utterly stymied. Great photos though and the kitchen is to die for. If you could see my dark and dingy pit you would feel blessed (until the next turd).
Fabulous blog.

lampworkbeader said...

Milla, bless you. You've brought me back from the edge. All this doggy love stuff on coo had me weakening. I've been looking at other peoples' pooches with broody eyes. You've reminded me just in time of the realities of dog ownership. Saved, I'll stick to my cat and the occasional bluetit in the garden. Thanks once again..

the mother of this lot said...

Glad you're friends again. Sort of.

Mean Mom said...

Thanks milla. I feel slightly more cheerful about my neutered tom cat who pees everywhere, now. He is always forgiven, as is your dog, I'm sure.

That can't be your kitchen. My husband tells me that all kitchens look like ours, with cupboard doors dropping on hinges, and exposed breeze-blocks, where the monstrous boiler used to be. I shall be having words with him!!

snailbeachshepherdess said...

enjoyed those two blogs so much at lunchtime at work ...was falling about ...the rest of them thought i was reading smut...I said 'nooooo....dog cr*p!'
Its wonderful to see the errant Lolly at last she looks a character!

mountainear said...

They do that to you, dogs - be utterly vile and stinky, filthy and flea ridden....and then when you're the teeniest bit low, defenses down etc, sidle up and offer silky ears and nudging affection. Generally it works in their favour.

insane mama said...

It's almost impossible to stay mad at dogs... at least the good ones

Cowgirl said...

Great blog, Mils. Feel much better about life with Josh now. Risking making you even greener, I shall impart that he only feels the need to defacate once a day and does so on the way to the mailbox about 400m away. And he spends all day next door with his Grandad! Easy to love, hey?

Loved the kitchen!!!! And check out those light fittings! Per chance your own creation?


GoneBackSouth said...

And to think I've been thinking about getting a dog! Thanks for putting me off. Great post - such graphic descriptions!

WesterWitch/Headmistress said...

Oh Milla - I think it is time you swapped your long suffering Lolly for a cat with a cast iron stomach.

Lolly should not be that loose, or that often, or that farty - something isn't right.

Celebration of Life said...

Funny story and cute dog! I came over from David's post.

Fennie said...

Only you could put a label on a blog that read 'turd.' And only you could get away with it. Just read this now and your last blog - they are so original and so funny. I do hope you are keeping them.

I keep thinking I must get another dog until you remind me of the problems.

Preseli Mags said...

Oh stop it Milla! She's gorgeous! As is the kitchen. *sigh* I wish I had one like that! Fabulous pair of blogs and can only echo what Frances says about your prose.

KittyB said...

She looks like a small Beardie and all I can say is - how much hair? I would view that as almost as bad as the poo. Or maybe not on reflection.
ANd that wine rack. It's not so much I'm jealous of all the horizontal bottles, yet with their labels, not just caps on show , it's that it's ploody FULL!!!

aims said...

Milla! Absolutely delightful! I'm so glad I have a cat (and no children...)!!

blogthatmama said...

'Meaty brothy breath' - that has put me off a dog for life, let alone Christmas. If I do win the lotto large I'll have to break my promise to the family now.

Thanks for your visit..

Grit said...

you are clearly a responsible dog owner! please tell me how to deal with dog owners that do not clear up after poo! round here there is a shaven man with a rottweiler. the rottweiler poos a lot... should i say something?

Exmoorjane said...

ho ho ho (hollow laughter)....was about to say, in disparaging voice, 'only TWO turds' then realised that they were INSIDE....so big sympathy there.
Kitchen....ooooooo lovely lovely. Nasty Waitrose woman - boo hiss yukk.....send her one of Lolly's finest in the post.
Agree with Frances, some truly (dare I say it, worthy of David) wonderful juxtapositions of words in this....scrumptious.

Exmoorjane said...

PS - that dog looks simple.
PPS - you've made me love yellow again. Grrrr.
Oh just come and organise my house won't you?

Faith said...

Best blog ever!

Angel said...

Dearest Milla

After more than 24 hours of clearing up childrens poo and sick
your Lolly seems an angel to me.

And your last 2 blogs have been just the tonic for a shattered me.

You really ARE a star-Thanks for making me laugh out loud.


(Ps keep mentioning the Dyson and you may get a free one! or even a message from James himself)

Angel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leesa said...

Oh what a CUTE dog!! I just came upon your blog via The Lehrners in France... I wanted to ask you if your dog is a short-haired wheaten terrier?? That's my dream dog and yours looks a lot like the one I know.. Just wondering... Thanks and have a nice Sunday!! -Leesa

Dusty Spider said...

Lovely post and pics. I really enjoyed reading it and the dog is soooo cuuute!!! Flick x

CAMILLA said...

Milla Honey, keep them coming, Blogs that is not the turds, absolute cracker of a blog. Wonderfully descriptive and juxtopostion words, I just love it. You MUST send your writing up to Magazine, you are losing a fortune dear heart.!!

Great photo's and wanna part with Lol? dare I say it, there is a space for her here, er, turds, not sure about those.!!


@themill said...

Publisher, publishers, where for art thou?
Wonderful,wonderful and, dare I say it, the odd short sentence?

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