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Thursday, 24 May 2007

The Dyson, the rubber belt, and me

How much do I hate thee?
Let me count the ways.

Today’s object of loathing is the Dyson. What a ghastly contraption it is.
A bit of show offy yellow and grey does not a good hoover make and Mr D needs telling. And why do I bother eschewing my slutty ways in favour of a bit of hearty tidying when all that I receive for my troubles is a nasty session grappling with its absurd undercarriage? Where is the justice in that? Is this really what my life has come to?

But, the floor being covered, to the point of carpet no longer easy to identify, swathed so with the detritus of plumbers and tilers and electricians and carpenters, all painful underfoot, prompted me, finally to think that I should clean it up. Bleeding feet are a bad price to pay and I feared the school nurse becoming involved.

So out comes the wretched Dyson and I lug it upstairs, barking shin with same in ungainly attempt to struggle the thing through the anti-puppy stairgate. (This is loathed object number 2: Lolly refuses to accept its symbolic presence as a barrier to her eager bounding or romps on the bed and we, that’s us and 85 tradesmen up down, up down, have to click it, finger-snapping tight, each and every time we stumble upstairs: it won an award, lots of awards if you can believe that so many are there to be handed out to stairgates, but my it’s a pain in the *rse, and I bet that men were on the judging panel.)

I plugged the beast in and pushed it around feeling fed up but virtuous, ignoring – fool! – the clatter of inappropriate debris choking it up until the inevitable screaming whining noise and stench of burnt rubber, forced me to turn it off, de-plug it and go in search of a kitchen knife to rip it apart. Yes, yet again, the black band had sheared in half.

Recently a plumber and I had fixed it in a bizarre version of Dyson sex, with me the lusty bloke and him the virginal maid. He had pulled gruntingly on the ring, I had huffed and puffed over the roller trying to shove it into the hole whether the hole wanted it or not: who *ucking cares, just take it and shut up. We both sweated and got a bit red in the face, me the redder when I twigged what a metaphor for unpleasant sexual activity it could be called. Finally, we triumphed and sat back panting for some post-coital chat, him congratulating me on my patience, me thanking him for his. All we needed was a couple of fags and for him to roll over and fall asleep.
Instead, he went upstairs – to the bathroom I hasten to add, where he more or less lives these days – and did manly things to pipes until Lolly burst in (through the portals of insufficiently-closed, award-winning stairgate) and licked him on the ear.
“Oh!” he cried, sweetly stroking her, “I thought it was you!”
Meaning me.
SQUEAL!!!

It went again, the belt, and my competent Swiss friend did it last Friday, using her feet: very European and a surprise to my chaste English expectations. I watched and learnt.
And then it went again this morning. So, short of a plumber (who’s moved out and who can blame him) and shy a pair of Swiss feet, I used my own and managed it. All very Little Red Hen. Until I turned the *ugger on again and there was that familiar smell of burning (so hysterical and self-important) and it seemed that my smuggery had not been rewarded with Job Well Done but the usual inept failure to follow through again. I tussled with the thing once more and burnt my fingers on the spindle, tucked high, high within the bowels of the machine. A flurry of expletives – naturally – followed and a little light but necessary kicking, just to the point where it won’t actually hurt and it now lies on the bedroom floor and I’m not sure which is the most defeated, me or it.

33 comments:

countrymousie said...

I ditched my Dyson some time ago in favour of a Meile Cat and dog, but I dont think I would have if I had a friendly plumber to play with on the floor.All that thrusting and pushing, hell, my hoover days are never like that! Loved the blog - phew, dont know what they would have made of it on the other side though!!!

Frances said...

Milla, that blog has certainly got your touch. What fodder adversity doth provide.
My tiny, but usually pretty messy' apartment gets vacuumed every so often by a machine actually called by its manufacturer, the MiniMite.
It just about does the job, and knows not to cause trouble. I've had it for well over 20 years and cannot quite believe it has not yet bitten the dust, so to speak.
xo

ChrisH said...

I love the idea of you and the plumber having a bit of a grapple... with the Dyson. But don't try to blame Lolly for the earlicking!

Bill said...

I think we all know that the Dyson won.

Suffolkmum said...

Oh thanks you Milla, I was crying with laughter reading this. LOVED the dyson sex. I chucked mine out (well put it on freecycle, to be precise) because it was so useless. Hilarious blog.

KittyB said...

I'll swap your Dyson for my flippin useless Maytag (spare parts anyone? no, I didn't think so) which glides over dust and dog hair with the greatest of ease and just spreads it around in a flatter layer than before. It does however suck up anything that will cause it to break, like yours, with a whine and a smell and a clatter. I hate it too.

elizabethm said...

I loved this Milla, especially the Dyson sex. I would recommend an ancient Hoover, as used in 1948 by my Aunty Doris and inherited by me. Built like a tank, heavy as a Volvo, noise like a Lancaster bomber but boy does it suck.

@themill said...

Oh Milla how I agree. The bloody thing nearly caused a divorce in this house. I loathed it with a passion. I eventually used it as part of an Apres Duchamp Art Installation called
'Blowjob'.
Meile much better but am delighted to learn that a Dyson01, which is my much loathed, is now a collectors item.

muddyboots said...

l hate hoovering, don't have a dyson, seem to make more mess just lugging the thing around, banging skirting board, tripping over cable.

bodran... said...

You painted the picture of me and f.ffing hoovers to a tee, even the kitchen knife.it was good for sucking up spiders though,but then i had to empty it uuuuurrrgghhhh, you had me in fits, hug the puppy for me.xx

CAMILLA said...

Amusing blog Milla, I absolutley loathe HOOVERS. They are nearly all badly designed, weigh a ton, and I am forever tripping over the wretched lead, do they make a cordless one I ask myself. Well that's me done and dusted!
Camilla.xx

Pondside said...

Milla this is too, too funny!!! I am laughing out loud at the picture of you and the plumber, post coitus!!!
I hate to vacuum! When we bought this place I made a vow never to vacuum and so far the Great Dane or Lillypad do it. Do you think I can make this arrangement last?

annakarenin said...

My Dyson lasted a year they don't perform will with building projects going on, they are the ultimate in great advertising. Glad you got one though as it makes for good reading!!

I think I am the otherside of the Severn to you (I be in the forest!!, can't do accents online, or on the edge anyway) my FinL lives in Maisey Hampton, which I think is more your kneck of the woods?? Mind you we haven't been there since I got pregnant with the first, they don't do children very well.

annakarenin said...

My Dyson lasted a year they don't perform will with building projects going on, they are the ultimate in great advertising. Glad you got one though as it makes for good reading!!

I think I am the otherside of the Severn to you (I be in the forest!!, can't do accents online, or on the edge anyway) my FinL lives in Maisey Hampton, which I think is more your kneck of the woods?? Mind you we haven't been there since I got pregnant with the first, they don't do children very well.

Woozle1967 said...

Milla - you gave me a stitch! Have just had to have a new motor on my Dyson and bought a new filter and must confess that I've fallen in love with it now! It lifts the flippin' carpet when I'm vacuuming and eats dog hair for breakfast. Totally agree that is so bloody unwieldy though - hate carrying it up the stairs. Always banging my shins. And a total faff to get the tubey/nozzle thing out. Come to think of it, it is a pretty bad design really. The engineer did say that the filters are never cleaned/replaced as often as they should be, and I have noticed a HUGE difference in suckability(!!!!) since I've had new ones. Flippin' housework - BAD invention.x

Exmoorjane said...

I don't usually laugh out loud at anything (humour deficit I fear) but I couldn't stop myself - and in fact nearly 'did a Cheryl' reading it......absolutely ploody brilliant....janexxxxxx

Faith said...

Milla, funny as ever! even weirdly sexy!! I love my dyson tho! (not in THAT way - just for cleancarpets!!!)

PreseliMags said...

Hilarious blog! We used to have a Dyson, now have a Morphy Richards which sucks the carpets up off the floor. The Dyson was all mouth and no trousers. And did you see the Dyson at the Chelsea flower show? It was planted with osteospermums. Still looked horrid though!

Posie Rosie said...

Your blog really made me giggle, you are so talented in your writings, glad it was 'as good for him as it was for you!!', love dysons, won't hear a word against them, mine is years old, but keep renewing the insurance, and dyson keep rebuilding the complete hoover for me and supplying me with endless parts. Haven't had dyson sex yet though, belt is still intact!

JacquiMcR said...

Milla you should be on the stage! Until I read this, I always quite fancied a dyson when present hoover gives up the ghost, but now I'm not so sure.

Take care - Jacqui x

Pipany said...

Yes, yes, yes again - and no, that's not to be said in a Meg Ryan simulating something rude kind of way (despite the Dyson sex reference)!!!! I Hate having to change the bloody drive belt which only ever seems to drive me insane anyway by snapping with tiresome regularity. By the way, have just returned after absence of weeks and lovely to have caught up with your blogs, Milla. Hope you had a good time with KittyB x

Exmoorjane said...

NEW BLOG PLEASE!!!!!!!

Grouse said...

I borrowed a Dyson some years back and had broken it within 5 mins- just couldnt cope with the mountain of straw and dog hairs that was my carpet! Now have an old Henry who gets wheeled out once a week whether the carpet is ready for his attention or not!!!!!!

Himalayan Blue said...

Oooh Dyson sex with a plumber! Aren't you the lucky one! Very funny, just imagine what the plumber was thinking about the lick before he realised it wasn't you! Have heard that Dysons are not so good, but I do have a hankering after a purple one!

Pig in the Kitchen said...

That was hilarious! You and the plumber, brilliant. I did wonder what he went off to do in the bathroom, you had got him all heated up after all...
Pigx

Cait O'Connor said...

I can't tell you how many times my husband repaired our Dysons! Mind you they had very hard work to do here with 2 dogs and a cat and country living, mud etc. We have got a Panasonic now and so far so good.
Loved the blog anyway, hilarious!
Caitx

Woozle1967 said...

Come back - we miss you!!xx

DevonLife said...

Come on Milla where for art thou?

countrymousie said...

MILLA - where 4 art thou - we keep waiting for you and getting worried that the Dyson has eaten you - love mousie

Exmoorjane said...

Oh god yes, forgot the mice!!! And the rats....

James - you will be pleased to hear - has discovered Mika....
God help us one and all.
jxxxx

Yana said...

The www.spares2you.co.uk online shop presents various Dyson Vacuum Cleaner Spares for acceptable prices.

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